is he or isn't he ii

yes he is!!!

is he or isn't he...?

rumor has it that he is moving to another place.
rumor has it that he's been offered a better position.
rumor has it that he'll go on nov 1.

true?? let's wait and see...

been getting negative vibes about him many many times. could this be the "help" to getting rid of the vibes?

been having second, third, fourth thoughts about him. could this be the "response" to calm my anxiety?

been lost on this road for a while. could this help me pave new road?

only He knows best! amin!

changes...

tonight's the eve of nisfu syaaban..a great time to reflect, repent and doa. a special special thank you for a special someone for reminding me and helping me go through this tough tough journey for quest of knowledge as well as for self discovery.. it feels like i'm just starting everything and my doa is for a cleansed hati for His blessings for His help in the journey is crucial. knowledge tu ada and it's His, so need to ask from Him. before asking, kena jadi brown-nose byk byk. insya allah.

it is funny (not ha ha!) how people change. it's amazing and sometimes annoying, hurtful at times. they tend to forget how they used to be, and be defensive over what they have/ are now. what do i know? nada... but then, if it's for the better, why not?

the climb...part deux

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb...

(Alexander, J; Mabe, J;)

the climb...

life is about trials and errors. we think we have made the right decision, but some times (well, most of times, for me) things just don't go the way we wanted. so what's next?? move on lah! try something else pulak :).

this journey i'm on has thus far made me think (nampak sgt jarang berfikir). recently, some friends have shared with me their recent experiences, which include marital conflicts and cancer. listening to them, makes me insaf and think about the things that i have but have not appreciated, things that i take for granted, things that i've taken lightly, things i did not see before. asyik pandai complain complain and complain, tak habis habis. subhanallah..maybe He's holding back stuff from me...maybe. so kena mintak, mintak and mintak. k.hasni told me that He likes things in odd numbers, so if mintak, mintalah in 3, 5, 7 etc times. there are so many things i need to re-think, re-do, re-ask, re-view apa apa re-lagilah.

as azimah puts it, "if hati dah lembut, it's ready untuk di-proses, insya allah, yanti". dah lembut? dah ready? there are things that make more sense (it can even make me tear up) to me now, the smallest things expecially. what's happening to me...to You i give myself!

perasaan...

i, for one, am a feeler, and this has been, still is (and going to be) one hell of a liability! 

syukur...

firstly nak say thanks to fadz, for THE enlightening, or shall i also say touching link yet. my tears pun "berderai" gak (to quote fadz). tak terkata sedih and sebak reading the blog. and cannot even imagine the pain that they have to bear. we can only sedekah fatihah and doa. sedih sedih...!! 

knowing these things, make me insaf and pikir balik what i have, what He has given me. alhamdulillah...tak nak complain dah!! :(

i need a problem..!

"think and connect" were the wise words of prof fauziah during a receng workshop named "framing your problem". most of the time we hear things like "what's your model?" "what're your variables?" and stuff like that. but she only concentrated on, well as the name of bengkel suggests, the problem! she opines that one need not worry about variables, once the problem is clea, the relevant construct shall come (naturally, i suppose). the longer i sat in the room the further away (again!) i am from where i thought i was and the problem (i thought) i had became a figment of imagination. so in a nutshell, i have nothing. so now, why am i here typing this???!!!

 

the way we (once) were...

Are we still?? however we are...I MISS YOU!!

a bad start...

to me (and my mom, i think) one of the best appliances ever, ever created is the washing machine. i, personally, depend on the machine and use it every single day of the week. thanks to my upbringing (and again, mak) baju kotor is a n0-no, can't stand it! 

what started out as a normal morning, became a hectic, stressful and tiring morning, and it was just 1045 when it all ended. Abg always talks of Murphy's law, where when one thing goes wrong, everything else will also go wrong, well at least some other things. first it was the machine (what made it more frustrating was it's MY fault). then it was more-than-normal dirty laundry (have to do it in two batches) + umar's white shirt, then after locking everything up to fetch umar, realized i've forgotten to bring their baju petang. got to sekolah agama seconds after class was over, nasib baik. for the first time in months, me decided to wear kurung today (coz niat nak safe someone from embarassment), but ended up sweating in the bahang pagi.

then i thought of "treating" myself coffee bean bagel. drove all the way and found out, they're out of bagels..(!!!!!). so now am at home, typing this, hungry/angry/ frustrated/ sad/ tired all mixed. 

pgs7576...

one of my worst nightmare became a reality on friday. was heading to us@png and the moment i exited the png bridge (alhamdullilah dah lepas bridge!) the engine died. overheated. mfh AND a.wan came to rescue not soon after. 

long awaited ...

this has nothing to do with studies...(how i wish it is!) on sunday, had a chance to eat a japanese buffet lunch at a japanese restaurant i frequented when i was kid. prior to this we only heard of it, how good it is. and after being there...it IS good! brought many many memories of eating with everyone on birthdays and special occasions. and the taste.....man, nothing's changed. tempura..chicken and sirloin teipan...the miso soup....sukiyaki....and yummy salmon and tuna sashimi....this to name a few. umar had a wonderful time eating the raw stuff, sampai kata "salmon dia lagi sedap dari sushi king!" hhmmm......for this wonderful meal i thank Abg...who's bored of chili's and friday's...:)

why la...

did i seek to be in this mess...:)

tak habis-habis...

this is the only thing that comes to my mind about the country's politics. tak de berita lain, tak de topic lain. orang buat marah, sendiri nak buat tak pe. one question: how much did they spend getting the "power"???

last names...

my question is: ladies, what's wrong with using YOUR OWN last name?? it is in fact YOUR dad's name, no one else's. why would you use you significant other's name as your last name? i mean i could understand if he is people like say, barack obama (it would be Yanti Ameira Barack Obama, assuming dia ni muslim) or elton john or even aznil nawawi, so that orang tau you are married to these people and that their names ada carry some value. tapi kalau saja nak guna nama macam Yanti Ameira Mohd Faiz (ini hanya sebagai contoh, bukan niat nak hina nama sesiapa)....rasanya baik la Yanti Ameira Mustapha.... and to quote e.h. "kueng kueng kueng"

p.s a million thank yous to mfh for installing the gadget yang boleh me-wireless kan his office :). now all i have to do is study HARD!!!

postponed lagi...

bak had to face some charges made against him about 11 years (my god! has it been that long???) back and in 2006, he was acquited (alhamdulillah) of all charges. and later that year, the prosecuters made an appeal against the judgment and until today the appeal has been through several (or shall i say MANY) postponements. one after the other, excuses after excuses..the favourite one being judge has changed. personally i really think that they should REALLY drop the case.

i mean the people who started this problem are no longer running the so-called corporation and some of them have even passed on! the country has gone through two elections, latest one resulted in major changes! and still this poor man still has to go to the court on stated date, most of the time, having to listen to decision of the appeal being adjourned to another date. and this date is never, i repeat, never close. it's always 2 months away. i can only imagine bak's anxiety everytime the appeal date comes near and all the preparations he does with his lawyer (he pulak the type yg akan prepare everytime nak gi court walaupun takde development from previous date), and for what??!! for it to be postponed... i know i know the courts have a lot of cases in their hands, i know. and this entry is really related to the previous entry, me being tak puas hati about stuff....:)

tak puas hati...

some people can never ever be satisfied. everything is bad, and not up to his or her expectation. everything is just never right. when, then, can stuff be right? oh yes, it's right when he/ she does it or when it involves him/ her self and family. orang lain semua buat ada saja yang salah dan tak kena. the thing is ever thought about other? what about the effort put into any work/ job/ program? would you have done it differently or better? sah la orang yang sentiasa tak puas hati ni tak pikir pasal the other side of the coin. yang dia nampak....diri sendiri...hu hu hu!

speck of light part 2

had a chance to see sv1 thursday morning..nervous..tak leh tido..worried..dan macam macam lagi. rasa malu pun ada sebab progress very slow, macam2 lah! had a nightmare about sv1 a couple of weeks ago..palpitations and cold sweat...terus bangun from sleep. 

i was surprised that he read the minute write up word by word (well, it was only 1 page long). with the helpful notes and comments made, it kinda made my day. he even said "...there's a light...". i need to put more justifications and evidence on whatever i wrote. for example, i quoted that a certain researcher said that W.E studies are mostly from the western countries and that they performed less well...so now i need to give "how different?", "which countries", well something along those line. it was informative conversation, if you ask me.

also, had a chance to "visit" mfh's new office, reminded me of my office masa share wt k noraini. old and borderline creepy, but it was well lighted so lessen the creepy effect. noticed something about us@m...the ambiance is less welcoming, less friendly. maybe all the teachers there are too busy researching, that's my guess or tak de dalam office pun ha ha! 

looking forward for the long cny weekend...am going back to my homecity...:). 

a speck of light part 1...

had a chance to see sv#2 today. after bersengkang mata last night coming up with a minute, small, tiny form of a write up. printed it and showed it to her. alhamdulillah she was great help, managed to gather some paper on the matter (thank you! thank you!). treating myself a grande vanilla latte @ starbucks...ha ha..talk about being over the top!

penat...

new year..

2009 has arrived! happy new year everyone! i hope we can all make this year way better than the last, at least i'm making it as one of my resolutions. with specific focus on my "work" during this bumpy bumpy journey. maybe i should seriously implement what dr y was suggesting..."...be more selfish...!" could i? perhaps i must! if not..the effect would be the unthinkable. must be strong! 

schools started, umar darjah 2 now, sek kebangsaan belah petang and sek agama starts at 8 am. mula lah balik hidup realiti (as i put it to mfh). masa cuti ala ala dalam mimpi tak buat kerja coz mak ada tolong sikit sikit. she just went back in sunday. came over (again) with maya this time. maya showed off (haha!) her new ride, a cool, chili red, manual, polo gti!! had a chance to drive it, and am still wishing it's mine. cool driving experience, the car just wanted to go and go!! before they left me and umar gave kisses to the car (merapu betul!), umar even hugged it! of course tears didn't escape when they were departing. maryam nangis masa sampai rumah, maybe just realized chu ya and tok mak were not behind us anymore...

am happy to hear that some friends from mbk successfully dapat scholarship and are able to go wherever they have asked for...good for them. 

p.s. fadz, you can do anything except bagi tau kat org :)