a case of apples and oranges...

since the journey started life has been filled with many a road blocks and u-turns...most recent one being issues between a mother-in-law and her daughter-in-law. both hard-headed and with very very strong personalities, not to mention egos. essentially both are the same but they prefer to see the differences instead. one highly critical of one being a mother and the other highly untrusting. the result?? a clash of the titans??? a gross understatement... a clash that has put two siblings in a tight tight position, without any idea (or interest) on how to go about the clash. 

issues are still outstanding as we speak. both were here and both seemed diplomatic toward each other. it's all too superficial...

 

thanksgiving...

hari ni feel like going down memory lane sikit, sebab november 28 is thanksgiving in the states. interesting?? not really. the more interesting thing is the fact that tomorrow (Nov 29) in america's biggest shopping day. i got to know it from makcik karen yang jadi my supervisor masa kerja jadi coffee barista...so apa lagi excited la nak gi shopping, bukan byk duit pun. so the day after thanksgiving, pagi2 dah paksa mfh drove us girls to moscow idaho, tak nak miss the shopping experience. biasa je sebenarnye but since i'm a self-confessed shopaholic, it any shopping experience IS an experience. where we were, bukan ada nordstrom atau sacs fifth avenue, so if dpt shop kat those places would be more interesting. masa tu beli la comforter sets @ walmart and clothes @ marche and jc penney. dah tu balik rumah, tidur balik, sebab bangun awal and it was cold and dark and public holiday.

it was also thanksgiving when some intructors invited their students over to their home to celebrate together, since we're away from home. i did have chance to go eat at two of instructors' homes, but it wasn't thanksgiving. one was with mfh and chipun. the menu included bear meat burger and tak ingat yg lagi satu tu, elk kot. instructor finance tu suka pegi hunting so itu hasil buruan lah tu. sah la tak leh mkn, so mkn salad je. another time, i had dinner with a thai professor. rumah gila cantik and makan siam la. nice. semua ni jadi di pullman. semua yg jadi kat sana clear in mind, dah kena etched lah, but sekadar video clip he he. tak tau la bila boleh jejak kaki ke sana lagi...here are some of the things i miss...deep fried squid emerald restaurant...bonanza's clam chowder....amazing grocery shopping trips to dismores...taco bell...the cub (which now has gourmet restaurants!!!)...the sky....the snow....the air...the everything!!! help!!!

research philosophy, anyone...?

ontological, epistemological, human nature, methodological, ideological, nomothetic, positivism, interpretism...these were only some new "words" (if you can call it words) that i learnt in dr y's class. he's begun classes or as he puts it "informal talk" on research philosophies. according to him, understanding the philosophies behind research, one may be able to justify more than just "why this topic". it should shape the study, whether it should be qualitative or quantative etc. this research philosophy IS important as we (whoever's on the same journey on in research) are embarking in a research -developing knowledge, although the knowldge is tiny, it's still knowledge developing.

so dy y refers this philosophical talk on the work of burrel and morgan (1979), which not surprisingly IS on the shelf at home!! selama ni mmg tak nampak. for this, i thank none other, MFH. so as the next "side" mission, am embarking on this journey to (kononnye) understand this philosophy thing, of course with the help of a Merriam Dictionary (never used dictionary this much before!). why you ask? well, to quote dr y, "you guys are doing Ph D, Philosophical Doctorate?? so it's not just plugging variables..bla bla bla". again another bulb terblow in my mind.

as Guba and Lincoln (1994) put it " both qualitative and quantitative methods may be used appropriately with any research paradigm. questions of methods are secondary to questions of paradigm, which we define as the basic belief system or world view that guides investigation, not only in choices of method but in ontologically and epistemologically fundamental ways". as far as today, i can tell that how one views the world (or knowledge) will shape how he or she would conduct the process to know the world (knowledge). by the way, comments are welcomed in this entry, so please.....end of research philosophy part 1
...
again dr y made me feel like going into double reverse gear (again!). dah mmg pening from the class, i went to mbk to get my skt, which by the way IS due 4 days from wednesday (terus ingat kat fadz, yang dah isi benda alah tu lama dah). an eventful journey it turned out to be when my right rear tire burst, a large and long screw poked it. so on the western bypass i waited for a. wan to the rescue!

majalah tiga....

saturday night umf and mfh semestinya nak watch m3. they had this feature on airasia x's new baby, the airbus 330. the crew went to toulouse t bring home the plane not THAT interesting, it could have been any airline, would imagine a mas pilot saying "aku dah bawa byk kapal terbang tak pernah lak masuk m3, ha ha!". anyway, apart from the fact that the compere was bringing big paper bag (obviously from a last minute shopping trip), she was also pronouncing "AIR" like a s'wkian would. i can't spell it! but i hope you guys get it. it's like saying "a asia" and "a bus". and the "a" is pronounced as the letter, really hope you get it!! dah la salah....kena sebut berulang ulang kali...so irritating!! tak leh dgr!!! i know i know too mengada, bet just cannot help it la. mmg tak leh dgr pronunciation salah.

sunday went to jusco b.m. not interesting, tak sama ngan lain and ada a bit "cho kia" punya ambience. but ada pulak starbucks and baskin robbins. tonight bubur ayam for dinner and am planning to stay up ha ha let's see if it'll come true.

p.s. managed to get hold of a "tudung ikin". not so indon-like but could help save time....

a possible maybe....???

All i want for thanksgiving...

why...

now that's the question...

research oh research....

wednesday mornings are usually spent at us @ png, sv#1's informal class on research methodology, actually at this stage it's actually thesis writing. today's the last installment of the class, discusssing the final chapters being analysis, discussion and conclusion. let's recapitulate those points that makes me go hmmm.....

he put the whole thesis writing as a process of writing in several different styles as one progresses through the thesis. chapters leading up to hypothesis development are all philosophical as they need a LOT of literature support, for instance.

then at findings it becomes very very technical. analysis is more of a discussion of the technical stuff, no technical terms here. it should be the explanation of whether objectives are met and research questions are answered, as well as the hypothesis acceptance AND rejection (it's harder to explain rejections than acceptance). rejection on hypothesis is caused by the researcher (sampling etc) or/and measurement.

why should hypothesis be accepted, not rejected? because when we come up with the hypothesis, they are essentially the problems we want to help solve, so we should believe that the solutions to problems that we "create" are the right ones! when they are rejected, we must then check if we HAVE observed ALL "ethical" things in research, the sampling, the administration of survey etc etc. if all have been meticulously met, then it would probably be the sample yang ada masalah, tak leh nak di apply theory yg mmg dah ada selama ni.

the discussion part is where a candidate demonstrate (how examiners can see) their "expertise" in the area. it was THE most enlightening class by sv#1 compared to all previous ones. makes me think and makes me see a bit (mind you, a bit) how saying "it's not done in malaysia" is not sufficient.

limitations of study basically answers the questions of "if you have another chance at the same research, what would you do different?" it's NOT the same as the scope of the study. there's no magic number as to how many limitations your study should but sv#1 says less than 5 would be okay. more than that dah jadi masalah lain pulak.

these are some stuff that i could type from the top of my mind. nanti bila tgk buku nota, i'll add the necessary ones..

congratulations is in the way for k shima said, for being shortlisted for Best Thesis Award! she called sv#1 during class and i could have sworn her voice was audible through the speaker of dr y's phone! tgk2 mmg dia ha ha, that was funny....k mila thought the same thing too...

feel like getting a new watch....what say you?

the hand in my pocket is...

"Hand In My Pocket"
I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright'cause
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is flicking a cigarette
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

And what it all boils down to
Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is playing the piano
And what it all comes down to my friends
Is that everything's just fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is hailing a taxi cab

harapan....a very minute one...

there could be light...somewhere....more like a partial dot....

help...

a.a. and i chatted yesterday, brief one. she said sometimes ada rasa nak quit. she is now on the journey as well with nottingham u. me too ada rasa nak quit!! so far there have been two instances where i told myself "quit la". but am still here and sometimes i can see speck of light then it vanishes. the hardest part about all this at this point in time is the pushing of myself. not to blame anyone or anything, but an institution taking research grad students should (borderline must) prepare a more conducive area of study, not just cubicle please! but again this is just me trying to point fingers and that i do rationalize on things happening around me that deters me from working. so me have to change, and quick!

As the Beatles put it....

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone,
Help!

When I was younger,
so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in anyway.B
ut now these days are gone,
I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind,
I've opened up the doors.

Help me if you can,
I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like, I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in anyway.
But now these days are gone,
I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind,
I've opened up the doors.
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And i do appreciate you being 'round.
Help me get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?
Help me,Help me

tips..

sv#2's says one thing we can do to help "shop" for framework as well to get to know what's in is by browsing 1) conference call for papers 2) major journals in one's field. gave me a copy of a 2009 conference call for papers. in there, most topics in entrepreneurship revolved around sustainability. could be...
one thing interesting i read was the fact that having a group or a friend (pun dah cukup) to work/ discuss/ talk about our progress. the person may not be in the same field, "as long as he or she understands english". so sm, you're my friend, boleh tak? ha ha. talking really helps i suppose.
another point that the author made was the research should be done before the report is made so that by the time we write the thesis, major mistakes CAN be avoided, like it's not our FIRST experience using the tools, methods etc. makes me think.....am i too late??
will write more as i progress through the book (which i should have read before even thinking of getting on board!!!!!)

kena lagi...

just found out that again we've been had by another of our so-called peeps...ha ha kena lagi. long story and not worth the mentioned in the "fab lane". it is amazing how people can cook up stories to cover up something. and i mean cook up, sampai jadi cerita tak logic. knew it was all a cover up initially but denial denial denial....these peeps all together in this weird web "peepship", covering up for each other and at the same time covering their own asses and at the same time eat each other kat belakang AND at the same time think we believe whatever they say.

Streptococcus oh streptococcus....

raya was fun albeit tiring. from bertam all the way to batu pahat and a stop over in tangkak. barbecue in usj and drinks with si. kids had a blast with cousins be it hmk, amk, af, yf or aif. all lupa dunia playing. sunday, drove back home. was home around 11 pm, terus buat laundry and kemas2 apa yg boleh. kid#1 complained of headache that night. panadol and straight to sleep.

after school the next day again headache complaints by umf. missed sekolah agama. brought to clinic, seemed that tonsils were swollen and slightly reddish. little did we know that all tis will lead to trips to hospitals and blood tests. things got worse and worse for him the next few days. by the third day (thanks to mak) decided to have his blood tested @hsj. with abg's help we did it that evening. so mlm tu nothing else was on my mind except the results. he started to snore very loudly and he seemed to have difficulty breathing, fever up and down and his "kelenjar" bengkak, both sides (actually the swell has started the week before but it wasn't that bad). that was the beginning of my nightmare.

next morning got to see paeds @hsj, and was advised to admit him since he's already so weak and fever was high. decided to put him in bgn sp. dr was puzzled. the infection in his throat was really bad that it had developed a whitish plaque over the tonsils and the swell has taken most of the space in the throat. that explains the snoring. his nose blocked by hingus and his chest dah ter developed bronchitis (due to the tonsil infection). masya allah....!! he had to have nebulizer four-hourly. poor boy had to wake up in the middle of the night and makan ubat and "ambik gas" (as the nurses put it!) i stayed at the hospital at nights. slept on the kerusi "cina" yg sejuk sebab metal body. the aircond wad damn cold, if boleh snow sure dah turun snow dari aircond unit tu. fever was only stabilized on the third day of admission. it turned out to be streptococcus bacteria. alhamdulillah the antibiotics given were the right one.

good thing the dr was patient enough entertaining many many questions from yours truly. the kelenjar swelling subsided quite quickly. by sunday, fever dah tak de and umf dah more or less normal. began to ask for certain foods and began gaduh ngan mama dia.

this made me feel really bad. as fas as kids are concerned i've done my best to take care of them. they're my world. maybe the best is not enough. but this my way, and it is for me THE BEST! i'm sorry umf. i am so sorry that you had to go through that.

i'm sorry too mfh for not wanting to make the changes you suggested. the thing is that i have a home and this is my home and i want to be in my home. it's bad enough that i leave them during the day. i want to have them in our home when we sleep at night in our bedroom. i know people are trying to help, but what they've done is already good enough. and i thank everyone. but please just let me be in our home...i beg of you...having the changes (though temporary) will not make me feel less bad about what happen to umf. in fact it'll make me feel worse. it makes me feel like you don't trust me with the kids. please understand the whole situation. i don't know how i can explain this more clearly and without being in a friction with you.

i want to thank allah almighty, a.wan. m. tok, mak, abg, all our family members, all the paeds involved, the nurses and you, mfh. love,

Raya...

Raya is close, very close, in fact it's 24 hours away! mfh says he's sad that ramadhan's over. coz satan will be unleashed. me? mixed feelings. am sad that it's over and that am still behind the "amalan masa ramadhan" part, way behind. but relieved that it's over coz no more cooking while others are sleeping! no more peeling myself off the bed to prepare a "wholesome" meal for the boys. at least for next 11 months, no more of this -lah :). am excited for raya coz i get to go back to kl. don't know if will have time to visit mi, and sj and so.

today i met up (after 11 years) in facebook with ri. a long lost friend, used to be very close during wazzu days. gathered courage and request him to be friends, syukur he accepted. were exchanging messages. rini has 2 kids, living in kl. hani's homemaker with 3 kids, nina is in dubai and man is in miri. am glad everyone's okay. not sure if rini and nina will accept my request though. just don't know what happened. am not trying to point fingers but right now i would like to be in touch (again) with those 3.

am supposed to make a cheese cake (or 2!) and hopefully a chocolate cake. but am not physically ready (ha ha!) have got the stuff out of the fridge. tomorrow am planning to go marketing to get tauhu, lengkuas and kacang panjang. nak masak kuah lodeh and sambal goreng. boleh ke?? must try! must plan!

to all - selamat hari raya and maaf zahir batin!

What...

this is the word that's in my mind ALL the time, all the time. what....is my interest? what...is the phenomenon? what....is the problem? what....possible theory (ies)? what? what? what? i know i haven't read enough. but can't help it...WHAT TO DO!!

A week in restrospect......

It's been slightly more than a week that i'm helper-less. desperate at times but happy at most. at least things can be done MY way. no more screaming at kids, no more talking back at me, no more awkward situations of her lying down in the living room, no more using kids' creams/ medicine....geram!! and no more talking behind my back about things i don't do....man, the things i put up for 3 years!! those are some things we have to live with if the helper is old, much older than we are and kononnye tau apa nak buat...cheh! but thankful jugak she has helped me jaga rumah. at least berkemas gak la for last 3 years :).

Pride?? Not!

Wednesday they announced us @ png as the A**X university, where it will get many priviledges such as having more autonomy in their decision making. there were 8 other u's in the running for the position, but at last it went to us @ png. well done! dr y was discussing it in class on thursday. with all pride and full of support of his big boss. it made me think of MY pride with MY big boss and MY u. to show what i feel is the excerpt of email correspondence with eh discussing this pride thing...

"this morning, dr y was talking abous us @ png getting the a**x university, i could see pride in his face, excitement. macam so full of support with his vc's moves which obviously has benefited usm. but i asked myself, masa i baca "u**m finalist a**m", do i feel the pride?? when mbk terima i.s.o, proud tak? i found myself saying tak rasa apa2 and borderline no. so macam mana? where is the pride we should have for u**m? of course if we ask people like w.i mmg la kot he's proud, but try asking org2 biasa macam kita2 ni. it's sad ....but then again, this is all my feelings and opinion and just sharing it....."

but then again dr y is somebody @ the u. me? small fry pun tak at mine. it's not that i hate my u, it's just things should be different somehow. maybe people should different, the goals should be realligned, issues may not be politicized.

p.s yang pasti sangat thankful to have this opportunity to further my studies.....muah!

Changes ahead...

Helper went back home saturday. All went to send her off at lcct. she was already sad the day before, caught her crying several times. i was surprisingly cold. her checking in process was HELL. her bag was too heavy, had to remove some stuff to another bag. bought a new bag to stuff the excess, then her cousin came at the last minute having more stuff to bring home and she had to check two more bags in. her flight ticket was rm 400+ and with the amount she + us had to pay for the luggage (rm800) it totals up to rm1200.

bak was annoyed with the fact that these people brings home too much stuff and end up paying more than they should. and the sad thing is where they're going ada gak barang2 tuh. tak pe mentality yang tak berapa betul ni susah nak diperbetulkan. i was totally indifferent about her bags issue, as it was her problem totally, pandai2 la jawab nanti, berat ke tak boleh masuk cabin ke whatever. right after checking in, it was already time for her to board (actually dah lambat pun). so in haste she ran in to the boarding hall, no salam, no hug, not a single tear. come to think of it, she didn't even look at us! it's actually a good thing, want to skip all those, for the good of kids. lega rasanye makcik tu dah balik! but reality has yet kicked in..:)

spent the weekend at usj. jln2 at gardens and had haircut. and for the first time in several years, we had 1st day sahur at usj. started journey home around noon, by 500 were already home. straight away did the laundry, lipat baju, mfh began moving stuff into helper's room. now there's space in the kitchen and the "dining". i keep telling myself "i can do this!" it's way better than having to put up with muka masam and jerit2 at the kids.

a new month, am hoping to do more than i have the first month, maybe boleh try compete with the guy who reads 12 hours a day, ha ha who knows!

p.s. fadz, sorry tak buat paragraph..my bad

Fine end to a fine week....

I had an informal class by dr y thursday morning, a second of several part sessions. we'll be having this class sampai habis discuss every part of a phd thesis. i missed last week's as i was in kl. met with fellow boat occupant who drove all the way from jitra, she registered july 14 and a northern uni lecturer. ok la at least made a friend. this week dr y discussed writing a literature review, he started off with the common mistakes made by previous candidates like summarizing, reporting previous studies etc. basically lit rev makes the framework "visual" to a reader. to have the framework, that's where one needs to read "thousands and thousands of paper". and not all the papers are used. :)
another analogy dr y uses is that being in the journey is like driving. when you start, you're actually starting your engine and slowly (must be surely). first gear is where you're still trying to find your thing. and this my friends, is done by nothing else but...ha ha READING, READING and READING and READING and ......READING! and you'll gain speed, will go into the second, third and fourth and fifth gear. by a year's time (depending on how fast you change gears) one should be in the fifth gear. how do you know? according the dr y, when you only need to look at the title, read abstract and conclusion, and you can tell what methodology used and what previous research referred, then you know you'll in fifth gear. masa tu lah proposal defence nak dekat. lepas defence, can turunkan gear sikit...:). there is this one guy who is already in fifth gear, and he's planning to present in a couple of months after 6 month being on the boat. word has it that he reads 12 hours a day!!! me???
lepas being at us @ png, went over to mbk. to bayar hutang, duit kutu and of course to catch up with buddies. they had academic meeting at 230 so only managed to talk a little bit. stayed at kd's room and did some reading while waiting for eh. had late tea with eh @ cafe bandar lama :). it was nice to catch up and update each other.
next week, MAJOR MAJOR changes in the household of mfh:
1) fasting month begins
2) helper is no longer around, gone back home
brace yourselves........

p.s. selamat puasa to all!

Preliminary study...

couple of weeks back came up with a set of questions to be used to explore subject matter. today i had a chance to get feed back from sv#2, luckily for me sv#1. sv#2 was kind enough to share her qualitative study interview questions with me, siap bagi copy of consent form and contoh cover letter. wah ni macam betul2 nih :). baru lah ada idea sikit how the questions should look like. ada questions, probing questions and then letak la kat situ (for our own reference) the specific objectives that the questions want to answer. it's quite thorough and could really help me develop my set questions nanti. told them what i feel about the subject matter. dia kata at this point i need to try to come up with a focus, what i want to know. some ideas were thrown out as a guide to me. am really thankful to sv#2. sv#1 also did a lot in helping me gain insights or rather opening up my eyes on things that i might want to try to explore. am hoping to finish refining the questions and have the interview in a 2 weeks, insya allah.

had lunch with ijat, after several hours of trying to get hold of her. was in the library reading. i think studying there is way more comfortable than studying in the cubicle. the cubicle's just too depressing. esok ada talk by dr y, sambungan talk that i missed last week. tomorrow ada plan to have lunch (if sempat) or tea with eh.

Thanks to me...

prior to getting this priviledged leave (yeah right!) we needed to go through interview, lots of forms filling and then presenting at the faculty. my experience if the first two was ok. the panel even mentioned that the proposal was well written. no concerns were raised about me doing another field of expertise. this however was the concern at the faculty during proposal presentation slightly before i got off to us @ png. they started questioning how my application got through and how i am able to get the scholarship when i am not doing the same thing as bba and mba specialization. furthermore they said that there are too many people are now doing on women ent. okay.

eh just called. a few weeks ago the faculty had this proposal workshop for potential scholarship holders. and they mentioned (he the pkie) that the reason for the workshop was that one person (she) has specialization in fin but now she's doing ent...hhhmmmm what are the odds that he was talking about ....me?????!!! and he has the cheek to say that nothing can be done, she has gotten the scholarship. wtf???? this is to prove that people and need to control....just because one can exert SOME power to control....they think they can do anything. narrow minded he is. what do i know, nothing. but one thing's for sure, my presence that june 26 DID leave a mark on those people ha ha!

p.s. one of those things they tell you pre-phd was phd is not about intelligence, it is however is about perserverence. so why masa i present they acted like they were intelligent??

It took us 12 years..

Was in kl during part of the school holidays. kid#1 stayed with cousins most of the time, it was only me and mak and kid#2 most of the time. did some raya shopping for the kids and some shopping therapy for self :). mj was as always annoying, can't believe how me and her can be blood related! sombong sangat, she needs a tight slap from yours truly.

got a chance to see sj, an old friend from secondary school, was nervous but the good one. had dinner with her and bro #2. found out that kakak sj is divorced, with a 3-year old kid. all messy. an interesting thing was the fact that one thing kakak regretted was coming back home from the melting pot. that's it!! sometimes having other family member around can be difficult and damaging! really hoping that kakak is fine. when i heard about her, an image of bro#2 conjured up in mind. boy, this D thing is so happening! according to bro#2 in s'gor alone 20,000 Ds take place each month! 20,000!!! and this ranges from young people to people in their 60s...somehow after taking the shit for berpuluh tahun at one point one dah tak tahan lagi dah and have to ask for it..

dinner that night went from chilli to kedai mamak (with slippery floor) at gardens. had so much fun actually. hope could do it more often. a million thanks to sj for a lovely lovely night.

dah balik rumah on saturday, good flight kid#2 slept the whole way, kid#1 bought a luggage tag (RM8) and now safe in the arm (ha ha!) of mfh.

p.s. teringin nak makan japanese food @ the gardens...yummy chicken teppan.....

Blockage...

n***m, wim, f**a..the list goes on. these are only some "bodies" established to "help" women ent in the development in the hope to improve their contribution to the nation. my question is...are they really any good? i mean take wim, for instance, clicked articles, what came out was a photo was a long ago ministry and the date of the event was 1997!! i mean even the photos in the site was circa 1980s. maybe it's a generalization, but will explore the rest for confirmation.

help! help!

Weekly defense

School of mgt has its weekly proposal defense session on mondays 2.30 pm. sv1 advises that we go hear the presentation so as to be aware of questions and concerns of the people involved. have attended its last two sessions, both of which are scary and intimidating. sv1 says listen to the questions put up by the examiners so in the hope that it would help us create our researches. well he's actually right. listening to the presentation makes me think and makes me become a little critical of things (i don't think i was ever critical before this). however, i do think that the slides are too wordy. is it supposed to be that way? is that some kind of format that we have to follow? need to find that out...today's defense was on satisfaction of festival. so so, she was quite sure of the things she wanted to do (aren't we all supposed to?). examiners questioned her framework, methodology and questionnaires. but this was not as bad as last week's!

today, i met up with two mbk mates, one of which is already in the journey for one year, the other is k crv who happens to be interested in the journey but still unsure of things. it was good to talk to them although such short time. talked about the phd room. ha ha although it's good to be there and mingle, personally i think it's just depressing. maybe i'm still new there, that's why.

mj is coming tonight, she's getting some pizza for dinner, while abg got some chinese food for dinner. yummy. tomorrow night me and kids are headed for kl, balik kampung since it's the school holidays. but still need to work though. can't wait to meet up wt kl yeay! although a bit reluctant coz of the recent developments at home. but fret not, i'll probably occupy myself with stuff and outings :). but am going to miss mfh though. these trip always make me sad inside. leaving him here, but he does not have leave. i am sorry....

still trying to come up with the mind map and some form of "title" that i could work on as a start. was thinking of writing small papers and exploring small stuff to help me see the bigger picture, like 1) the motivations of start-up or 2) study on the development in the northern region 3) financing avenues available and so on. probably work on the first.

My All...

August 14, the day of mfh's commencement at us @ png. kids and me gave him 2 neck ties as present. woke up really early becoz need to be there early AND need to avoid jam @ bridge. when we got there he began to put everything together, the formal shoes, the tie, the robe, the hood and the hunter's hat. it didn't dawn on me how solemn this was. i was taken aback and tears were at the brim my eyes all the way. whenever i thought of him that day i wanted to cry. i didn't go into the hall, my in-laws did. me and kid#1 waited outside from 830 to 12 noon!

at 12 he came out and saw in-laws first. i was at the flower booth getting him purple roses and kinda instructed the guy how the bouquet should look like. the feeling was overwhelming to see him in the getup, with the us @ png folder and all smiles. writing this makes me tear...remembering it all....

it makes me think of how much i want that too. this is why i'm where i am now, searching and searching for things that i have no idea about. this is why i am going through this journey of going to a place that depresses me. this is the reason...for this i thank mfh for the inspiration!

First weekend...

friday only worked from home, kid #2 didn't let me sit at the desk. so had to work on notebook in the living room, with disneyplayhouse on tv! read some, searched some and has a chance to chat with kl and dy. sebak coz dah lama tak chat with them. tomorrow's saturday, mfh planning to take kids out after kid#1 finishes school. i think i want to get some shirts and a pair of pants.

12 august is wedding anniversary, 14 august mfh's graduation and 16 august my birthday.....what a week to look out for!!!!!

Not again...?

early morning before he went off to work, guessed that i'm not off to school today. i asked how did you know? answer: coz u only need to read, no need to go out" and you look like you're going to sleep today....?????????????????????????????????????? bubble is growing slowly but surely...hope it will not burst anytime soon. but at this rate, only time can tell....

went to mbk to do work...happier...calmer me today....
off to do more work!

beginning of the unknown

received 1st assignment from sv1. need to gather: 1) statistics on proposd subject 2) plan for preliminary interview to be more familiar with them. Asked is possible to start from scratch and end on time, he said ok. adalah semangat sikit, added to semangat from sv2 semalam.

was planning to have this the first day, but didn't have time. so to recap activities since 1st day, here goes...

8/1/08 - registered, went well but had to wait until 3 for id card to be made. made appt to se sv2 but lucky for me both are around and thus had a chance to talk to both, yeay! both were quite optimistic about the journey and assured that insya allah all will be well, provided need to be CONSISTENT!! tips: sv2- write one page a day sv2- try reading 10 papers a day (yikes!!!). hadn't walked that much in such a short time, naik bukit, turun bukit. reminded me of alma mater's orientation day...was very disoriented with the new place. p.s. sv2 is only a year older than me!!

8/4/2008 - early morning received 2 missed calls and a msg that looked like this:
D mana kunci bilik off? DR * R***K. WTF??? what the hell is this person's problem??? i've only been gone 2 days!! 2 days!! and still haven't cleared all the stuff and he's giving me this??? talk about sombong!! could it be because of the DR??? so all future DR....please ambil iktibar sikit. so went to mbk to really empty the highly-demanded room. lepaked with eh, ka, kz and others.
the pinnacle of today is that later in the evening, mfh commented that i haven't worked hard enough, and that i watched too much of the tube :(. sleep with a rock in my heart and tears in my eyes.

8/5/2008 - went to the library, the post grad office (which has ladies yg mega merapu!), thesis room and made a beeline to sv2's office. had to see her to talk, wanted to know more about HER journey. very very optimistic. to add to this, we were joined by ds, who says that "if others can do it, you mmg boleh buat, cuma kena tekun and rajin". tips were given, anecdotes were shared, thank you! while waiting outside sv2's office, noticed the surrounding was not as iso-ed as mbk. no flowers, plants at the dept's foyer, no timetables stuck on notice board (let alone CH!), so diff from mbk. started wondering why would anyone be hard up for cert but performance wise still questionable?? is it not ok to work normally, as long as deliver?? does cert quality?points to ponder....